Thursday, May 24, 2012

Quarter-Life Crisis



And I’m literally stuck.

I’m supposed to write a post-birthday blog days ago but I’ve been trying to find that right spot/feeling/inspiration that I normally have. The events these past few days actually made me realize that I am really facing the so-called, infamous “life’s reality”. Don’t get me wrong, I love composing creative write-ups! I’ve been doing a lot of it since my student years and I can say that I am pretty good with it. But this time… it’s just… blah…

Confused. Where have I been these past 25 years?

As a child, I remember myself wondering how I would be like when I grow up. I used to imagine (yes, I have a very imaginative mind) myself being on top and excelling on everything I do. I knew back then that I have the guts and guns to fulfill this—and somehow I succeeded on some of them during my school years. So I graduated. Then I was a writer, 4 months; Graphic Specialist/Assistant Trainer, 1 year and 5 months. Account Executive for OOH, 1 year and 7 months. Now, where to go?

Happy. Who wouldn’t be with all my experiences these past 25 years?

I can boast that I was raised by a family that believes positivity can overpower even the loudest noise of negativity; that mistakes are just stumbling blocks and lessons are stepping stones toward a brighter and stable future. I have never forgotten all about it. I doubt that I will ever forget it. This belief will be forever carved in my heart. Now, what hinders me to share this?

THIS is my quarter-life crisis: I am stuck in between a confused mind and a happy heart.

When will this end?
What will happen next after this ends?
How will I manage to cope up with the happenings beyond this end?

That, I do not know as of the moment. Only one thing’s for sure: I will not let myself be stuck here because I will find the answers.

Monday, April 23, 2012

The Peak (Howler sent, part 3)



In exactly four weeks, a new chapter will unfold.

The last 19 months was like a rollercoaster ride for me. Unexpected loops, unintentional twists and unparalleled pace were the unforgettable highlights of this so-called “joyride”. I don’t have any regrets, I achieved what I needed to achieve in my opinion; I learned a lot and unlearned a few more.

I know that the difficult part of this endeavor is not merely the “goodbye” part, but the process of facing new challenges ahead without the family that I’ve been used to. Yes, new birth pains are lurking to strike me. But with the experiences and knowledge that I’ve gained, I’m pretty sure I will be able to handle these tests in the nearest future.

Yes, I have resigned. I will be leaving my company in a span of four weeks starting today. I have to. I need to. I want to.

The dream is still alive, that’s my promise…

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Those red, dotted lights…

The first one was out of curiosity.
The second one was to celebrate.
The third…

It was really dark. Even my 20/20 vision did not surpass the dimmest place I’ve been to since I learned to close my eyes intentionally in broad daylight. All you had to do was to muster enough courage to walk through the corridors, beam your most charming smile and act like you’re the sexiest man alive.

Like most of my past experiences, this was indeed unforgettable. Believe it or not, I never imagined being in such place before. For me it was among the last venues that I would explore to express myself. I guess the queer in me wanted to be touched and be explored in a very dirty way for once—or twice…

Though it seems that I am ashamed, I am not.

The thing is after that second successful attempt, I found myself in a Final Destination-like event. Two things: 1) I was almost hit by a van whose being driven backwards by a stupid driver, and 2) the bus I rode was hit by an another bus in the same fleet. Weird was it? Yes.

Am I still up for a third time? I...

Monday, April 9, 2012

First-Timer in a Hopeless Place

Image courtesy of: http://puertogaleratravel.com/blog/?attachment_id=21

Call me a loser or whatev, this is my first Puerto Galera escapade.

Shine a light through an open door
Love and life I will divide
Turn away ‘cause I need you more
Feel the heartbeat in my mind

Last April 5th was an extremely long day. The stretch of it was not merely highlighted by the scorching hot sun and my dripping sweat because drama exploded and hit me straight–or nearly–to my face. It all began with the almost 6-hour delayed boat ride from Batangas Port to Puerto Galera; %&*$# you Minolo Shipping Line! Though that was already stressful, I still felt happy because of two things: 1) this is my first time to be in Galera and 2) I crush one of JV’s friends. Hihi. But in a shocking turn of events, crush transformed into a monster on that first night. Crush was drunk, too drunk to even control his fists and mouth.

I don’t want to refresh all the details since this first day and night was a complete disaster. Some tidbits: crush almost hit me in the face, I got kisses (cheeks and lips) from the other drunk person who saved me from crush’s drunk attempts, crush shouted and pinpointed me and my 3 other friends, I got stressed and slept at around 5AM, and we rented a new room which is out of my allotted budget.

Thanks crush for that wonderful Galera welcome, and yes, I crush you no more.

The only good thing I consider for this day/night was my “Overprotected” henna tattoo on my right shoulder. Too bad I forgot to take a picture of it.

It's the way I’m feeling I just can't deny
But I've gotta let it go

After that happiness-sucking drama that happened, I promised myself that the next days and nights would be the complete opposite.

Yellow diamonds in the light
And we're standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine

Moving out and renting a new room was a good move for us. Though it doesn’t actually boast a “comfort” room, it was enough for me because we can finally talk and laugh our hearts out for almost every time without “bothering” other people. Well, except for our new neighbors. Ha! But yes, this second day/night was all about enjoyment and fun.

I greeted the day with a nice brunch plus a Strawberry Shake which I really loved! With my full and happy tummy, I finally enjoyed the breeze and scenery of Galera. We took a dip on the sea by late afternoon; we were inside the room during noontime though, since the sun was glaring down and it was too hot.
Then nightfall, it was time to strut and dance and drink and party! Since it was Good Friday, bars were only allowed to blast some club/dance/party music when the clock ticks 12AM sharp. But hell no, that did not hinder us and the other tourists to have fun. We drank Mindoro Sling and laughed with JV’s 2 other friends; I proposed that we four should have an alter-ego by the end of this trip; Ed challenged us with a dare game (that didn’t happen! HA! :P); Khel suggested that we four should guess the first song that the DJ would play at Mikko’s bar where we’re at when it’s party time. We agreed to have 3 choices each; my songs: We Found Love by Rihanna, Superbass by Nicki Minaj, and Happiness by Alexis Jordan; Ed’s: Give Me Everything by Pitbull featuring Ne-Yo, Afrojack and Nayer, Without You by David Guetta featuring Usher, and Good Feeling by Flo-Rida; JV’s: Papi by Jennifer Lopez, Give Me All Your Luvin by Madonna featuring Nicki Minaj and MIA, and Sexy And I Know It by LMFAO; Khel’s: Yeah 3x by Chris Brown, Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO featuring Lauren Bennett and Goon Rock, and Turn Me On by David Guetta featuring Nicki Minaj. After minutes and hours of laughter, alcohol and waiting, the countdown finally began. Together with the DJ–10, 9, 8–the crowd–7, 6, 5–shouted and counted–4, 3, 2–until, BOOM–1! The beach exploded with cheers and jeers while the speakers blurted out a Whitney Houston remixed medley. Yes, no one got the right song; yes, I indeed lost; and yes, I WAS ALREADY DRUNK.

For the first time in my 24 years of existence, I got drunk.

DRUNK. TIPSY. DANCING, DANCING, DANCING, and DANCING. It felt like forever! I felt so much happiness, like no stress can ever penetrate my skin. It was as if I was the bravest man on Earth! One of the funniest moments I had that night was when I badly needed to pee. The public comfort room was packed with a long line so I had no choice but to take a leak by the beach. Sorry Mother Nature… So after mustering enough courage and pride, I went for it. First attempt went smoothly. The second one was hilarious! It took me a while to release what’s needed to be released because the water snatched my flip-flops! I literally went for it, while I was swaying crazily because I was too drunk. I bet the people by the beach who saw me were laughing because of my feat. Luckily after a minute or two, I recovered them and finally had the chance to do the deed.

More alcohol and laughter poured in and fueled my not-so-brave-turned-fearless body. I danced with the crowd on the dancefloor. Skin on skin, touching anything and everything. I wanted more, I wanted to explore more. So I went for it…

Darkness. Bushes. Sands. Shadows. Trees. Rocks. Whispers. Hugs. Touches. Kisses. Then I found the sixth month of the year. I did not let go. We had spark. When dawn broke, we found ourselves walking by the beach together towards our cottages. We were sweet. We bid each other and that awesome night goodbye with a kiss and a…

…in a hopeless place
…in a hopeless place

I slept for a few hours and woke up around lunch time with a hangover on my head and chest, the other aches while the other exudes extreme satisfaction. I immediately checked my phone. It made me smile. For the first time since I don’t know when, two groups of muscles were smiling while I was reading that simple SMS. The third day passed by with happy thoughts and excitement for the 3rd and final night: The BIG Night.

I had a different plan. I’m happy because my friends Ed, Khel and JV were very supportive of me. To cut the story short, I decided to bail out on the party by the bar for an overnight date by the beach…

We met again that night. This time we spent it by sitting side by side by the beach front. We exchanged thoughts, talked, laughed and did the getting-to-know thing for hours under the stars. Since I borrowed our room key, we went there…

Like what we’ve decided, we’ll be going back that night on the “hopeless place” to observe. I don’t want to spill out the details because we had a few misunderstandings about this idea. Again, after the longest time, I felt jealous. That was noticed. At around 4AM, we found ourselves walking together again towards the cottages. This time it was different, I was dead silent. I felt pain.

A few exchanges of one-liner Q&A’s were dropped and then we sat by the beach. I expressed my thoughts. I said sorry and it was accepted. We hugged. We were sweet. It was as if we were already together. Everything went well, then we bid our goodbyes for that night and kissed and parted ways with a promise of seeing each other again the soonest here in Manila.

…in a hopeless place
…in a hopeless place

I did not sleep immediately when I arrived in our room. I decided to take a morning walk by the beach and grab a cold bottle of mineral water…

Fate challenged me right away. First, I saw a recent ex-fling. The last time we saw each other, this ex-fling grabbed and dragged me towards the second floor comfort room at The Distillery, The Fort. A short exchange of hi’s, hello’s and how are you’s and we moved on.

I continued walking by the beach. Then I saw this not-so-recent ex-fling which took a big chunk of my heart before when our blooming relationship did not push through. Ex-fling was so drunk but recognized me right away. I sat and we talked, exchanged a few stories after our “thing” together. After a quick breakfast, I accompanied oh-so-drunk ex-fling towards their cottage. We bid our goodbyes; no hard feelings, crying and drama this time.

I went back in our room. Thought and assessed what has happened in the past 48 hours. Before I closed my eyes, I decided: I would do everything in my power—we will see each other again here in Manila soon.

Yellow diamonds in the light
And we're standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine
What it takes to come alive

Last day… Last day to enjoy and embrace Galera…

Our afternoon boat ride was again delayed but only for a few minutes. Sadly, we did not have the chance to see each other before we both left the island. I went home, feeling mixed emotions of fulfillment, sadness, enjoyment and longing.

It was nice having Edda James, Khelsy D. and Vikki D’Nolli beside me for my first Galera experience. Ava S. Pierce was born and found the sixth month of the year. What more could I ask for?

This trip was worth all the sweat, stress and money. I will never, ever forget my first Puerto Galera escapade. I’m not a loser anymore. I’ve experienced Galera to the fullest. Though I’m not yet certain when, I’m sure I will be back there again.

But for the meantime, I’m hoping I could be singing this line soon:

We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Numbness...

I can’t help it. I feel pathetic.

Why is it so hard for everyone to just accept things like it is? Is it really that hard to suck it all up? Is selfishness the answer to get what you really want?

Given the chance, I will improve myself. If only such things are to be achieved in a snap of a finger! I’m pretty sure to be on top!

But despite this awful numbness and stupidity that I am feeling right now, I still want change. Some changes, “some” would do. I am still in the hopes of a better feeling tomorrow and on the coming days. I know that if I maintain this spark of positivity that I have within me, I can make myself shine brighter than ever before. I will do everything to fulfill this.

This year will be mine. This year IS mine. I am claiming it now.

Accio Success.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Lumos Maxima


Two, zero, one, two.

Last year was a tough one. I got carried away with everything. Though I did try my best to cope up, I know I’m still stuck here. And so, yes, I welcome myself to this blog once again.

I can’t and won’t promise to always reflect here because I will still fight to break free.

Lumos Maxima.